There have been known grief responses, such as a yearning for the lost person or state of affairs, a need to think repeatedly about past events, a sense of guilt, or even thoughts of suicide. (Death Reference 2008) According to the death Reference website (2008 terry martin essay and Kenneth doka formulated 3 basic patterns of grief. First is the Intuitive pattern, where the griever freely manifests his/her feelings. He/She can display intense emotions such as outbursts and crying. Any means to allow the griever to vent out his/her emotions is beneficial for coping. Second is the Instrumental Pattern where the griever would recall memories of the dead person and doing something in relation to those thoughts. An example cited by martin and doka (1999) where a man who has lost his daughter in a vehicular accident fixed the fence which his daughter has ruined during the accident.
One may choose to repress or ignore the pain but he says that further losses in life can always trigger it and eventually, the hurt only doubles. Second, he maintains that grieving is a highly individualized process (PsychCentral 2008). This demonstrates how different each person is while in grief. Though grief is said to be a universal and a natural occurrence, the way one person grieves differs from another. Furthermore, being aware of the five stages of grief: shock, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance (PsychCentral 2008) helps one to cope with grief. Lastly, strayhom states that grief has no timetable (PsychCentral 2008). Grief therefore should be allowed to take its own course. However, each individual in the process of grieving should also do activities to help them heal. Constantly sharing ones deepest sentiments to a trusted friend is always beneficial to a person in grief.
Modern Loss: Candid Conversation About Grief
Loss is most often equated to death but generally, loss occurs when an event is perceived to be negative by individuals involved, and it results in dll long-term changes in ones social situations, relationships, or way of viewing the world and oneself (Marriage and Family Encyclopedia. One tends to experience loss in ones lifetime. Children usually experience loss through a death of a pet or a parent. Adults likewise experience loss through death of a spouse or because of divorce; they may also experience job or health losses. When we value something or someone that we lost, we experience grief.
Grief is the psyches natural healing response when faced with change and loss (PsychCentral 2008). This suggests that grief is a normal and natural experience to a person who has experienced personal loss. Furthermore, it is said to be a process, not an event (PsychCentral 2008) which means that grief should be allowed and given time to completely take place. Strayhorn enumerates the characteristics of grief (PsychCentral 2008). First, he says that pain is a natural part of grieving.
My sisters and I sang a bit to her it was the last and sweetest smile from my aunt. Sonja, i read poetry to my grandmother in the hospital. She was drifting in and out, but after one poem, i remember her saying, i dont know that one. Write down who its by so i can find more of theirs. We brought her home for her last days the next day so she didnt, but it was such a lovely moment and made me remember that my darling, curious grandma was still there.
Rebecca, on talking to children about death: Since we arent religious, i was struggling with how to explain death to our daughter. Then someone gave me great advice: ask the child what he/she thinks happens when people die. No matter what they say, tell them that might be exactly what happens because no one knows for sure. My daughter is now convinced that my grandfather is in a beautiful place surrounded by pear trees. Lana, im a nurse in a pediatric cancer ward, so were actually talking to children about the preparation for death, versus reacting to it afterward. Over the years, ive been asked everything from, Am I going to die? To how will it feel when I do? I approach each on an individual basis, depending on the childs age, whether theyre the patient or a family member, and whether their family is religious or not. Ive found that children who have grown up with a religious background like the idea of heaven and focus on that: what does it look like, who else is up there, can I take my toys, etc.
It's ok that you're not OK: meeting Grief and Loss
So, peoples stories mean persuasive so much, especially years later, when I want to keep the memories alive however I can. Heidi, on how it can feel: my sister-in-law told me that when her father died and she waited at the airport for her flight home, she felt so set apart and different. She realized why victorians in mourning wore black arm bands: it alerted society that you arent ready to fully engage with the world. And thats exactly how I felt for the first few months after my mom died — it isnt just missing my mom, but how do i live the rest of my life without her? —, elizabeth, on savoring final days with loved ones: When my great aunt was sick, we went to visit, and after a long trip to get there i suddenly didnt know what. There were books to read and music to play, but ultimately i sat there and told her all the ways in which shed enchanted. How she was a ruthless card player. How I loved her sons, who at 10 years older were always so kind. How at my cousins wedding, she and the brides father sang a duet of Johnny cashs Ring of Fire and ended with kazoos.
to never be afraid to mention someone that has passed away. The family has not forgotten, and they want to remember the person theyve lost. When my mom comes home from a funeral, shell make a note in her calendar for six months later, as a reminder to call or write to her friend. This is often when the rest of the world has move on and the grieving person feels most alone. Rachel, i lost my mom eight years ago, just after I turned. The other day, someone noticed an expression I made that reminded them of her. I loved that they noticed and said something. Im cautious not to talk about her too much because i worry it will make others uncomfortable.
And Ill always love my dad. Anya, yet it does get easier: i once saw an Annie leibovitz exhibit where she had hung photos of her dying love susan Sontag, and then her dying father, and her grieving family, alongside these gorgeous vibrant photos of her babies with spaghetti all over. For a while, it takes over your resume whole field of vision, but then it becomes a part of the whole exhibit. Heather, a beloved person told me: your grief will never get any smaller, but your life will grow larger. This has been true for me and for many that I have spoken with in my work as a minister and chaplain. It both captures the profound need to honor the lost love and promises that we will not dwell forever in this particular kind of pain. Rachel, i lost my mom more than 27 years ago, when I was.
The Unmothered The new Yorker
Relationships, by, joanna goddard, weve shared wise and wonderful reader comments on dating, career and parenting, but today wed like to talk about something intimate: loss, including a kind thing to do for someone in grief. On grieving as long as you want: Our daughter died at six months old. That was 12 years ago, and we still carry it with. We can be happy now, we can laugh, we can hope, we can dream, but not a day goes by that I dont think of her and miss her. Once i mothers apologized to my sister for not being ok with it after all this time, and she hugged me and said, none of us are. It was so wonderful to hear and allowed me the freedom to feel the grief until the end of my days. Sarah, my dad died four years ago. Some days the loss feels far away, and sometimes it punches me in the gut as hard as the day we lost him. But, two years ago, i decided that it was okay, because grieving is the last way we get to love people.